How I got here

I firmly believe that who I am today is the primary result of having my first child when I was 18 years old. This is a story of how I got to where I am and who I am today…

It is so painful to reflect on the months leading up to the birth of my first born, Jason. I’ve never shared this story publicly and most people who know me don’t know the background behind his birth.

Shame. Embarrassment. Guilt. Regret.

All words I feel thinking about this story. It hurts my heart and makes me physically sick to think there was EVER a time in my life I did not want to have a child. {This is why I firmly believe God gave me my son when he did and in the circumstances}

I was 17 years old. In a terrible, unhealthy relationship with an older boy from another school. My parents were shocked and displeased in my choice of a boyfriend, as was my twin brother. From the outside, I had it all going for me! A smart, pretty and popular blonde cheerleader. Nominated by my class Freshman & Sophomore years to Homecoming Court. Teachers loved me; I took honors and AP classes. I’m still not sure why I stayed in that unhealthy relationship, but I know it was all part of God’s plan.

For months, I denied to myself that I could be pregnant. That just could never happen to me! Finally, I confided in my best friend at the time and pregnancy tests confirmed it. I was sick. I was in CATHOLIC SCHOOL! I couldn’t be pregnant. It literally felt like my world and life was over. I wanted to go to California for college, or Chapel Hill!

I thought there was only one option – I could not have this baby.

I still can’t go into all the details, but by the Grace of God and some wonderful angels disguised as friends, my parents found out what happened. They swooped in and wrapped me up in their arms, assuring me they would love and support me through whatever decision I wanted to make.

I’ll never forget when God made it clear to my brain (it was already in my heart) that this baby was here to stay. My sister had come home from college when she heard what was going on and we went shopping to Bath & Body works. When we got home, I could feel my sweet baby moving. I put my hand on my stomach. She looked me in the eyes and promised me that it would be OKAY if I had this baby.  Mom & Dad would help, she would help – we would get through this together. I cried, and she went to tell my parents.

A few days later and my mom had called her OB/GYN and scheduled me an appointment. My mom drove me there, supportive the whole time. She never ONCE made me feel bad or questioned my poor choices. I cannot thank her enough for how loving and supportive she was of me.

I went in for the ultrasound to find out the gender and we were so excited to find out! During the ultrasound, our excitement quickly turned to fear as the technician found something that didn’t look right on the ultrasound, and we’d have to see a specialist in a few days to find out more… how could this happen?!

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my bookend boys today

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